I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
