Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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