I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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