you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
