Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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