When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
