Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
