hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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