The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
