Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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