it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
