remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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