They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
