he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
