So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
