If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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