Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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