i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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