I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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