My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
