i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
