My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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