I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
