Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
