You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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