my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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