I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
