soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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