You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
