i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
