why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
