Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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