bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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