: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
