How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
