i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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