addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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