so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
