Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
