The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i think i have two assholes
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
