i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
oh god the rape fog is back!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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