woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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