Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
