I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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