my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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