my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
