Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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