Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
