Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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