I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just cropdusted the office
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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